- Jeffrey Stephens is an attorney and Ronald Raymond is a psychotherapist.
- Both work with divorcing couples and cowrote "The Road to Splitsville" based on their experience.
- They say communication and recognizing long-term goals is the key to an amicable divorce.
When divorcing couples start flinging accusations, Ronald Raymond, a psychotherapist, knows it's time to take a break from discussions. When mean-spirited words start flying, Jeffrey Stephens, an attorney, does the same thing with his clients.
"We're not going to get anyplace like this," Stephens tells them.
Instead, Stephens and Raymond said that divorcing couples need to recognize their shared desire: to get out of the marriage with minimal damage to their finances and their family's emotional well-being. In their book, "The Road to Splitsville," which was inspired by a desire to help the couples they saw spending emotional and financial resources on messy divorces, Raymond and Stephens lay out how couples can avoid legal fees, upset, and heartache.
Having an amicable divorce isn't just good for emotions, the authors say. It also helps individuals maintain their autonomy, rather than handing over important decisions to a judge.
"You want to be in control of your own destiny," Stephens said.
Here's how to maintain that control and work together with your former partner to create a conflict-free divorce.
Try to reflect on the good times
During a divorce, emotions run high and you may feel intense dislike or even hatred for your spouse. But almost all relationships have happy memories built on a foundation of love. Connecting with these memories can give you the emotional resolve to move forward in a less hostile manner.
"There was a time when you were in love, got married, made babies. Look back at that before you get into the next argument. Let's try to build on those things, not to save the relationship, but to get through the divorce process effectively," Stephens said.
Focus on your common goals and seek help as needed
Divorce can highlight the differences between you and your spouse. But in most cases, people share a few common goals, which are to get through the process with minimal financial and emotional turmoil. Together, you can work toward that objective.
In order to do that you need three ingredients: disclosure, information, and discussion, said Stephens and Raymond. Talk openly about your financial assets and obligations, gathering information on your debts and assets and disclosing everything — even funds your partner might not know about. Discuss issues like custody. Start these conversations at home, but seek professional help from a mediator or marriage-dissolution counselor if the conversations devolve into blame sessions.
Understand that divorce isn't the end of your relationship
You may feel like you never want to see your partner again. But in almost all marriages, children, financial investments like property, or shared pets will bring you together even after you're divorced. If this is the case for you, respectful communication is key — not only during the divorce but after.
"Just because the court says divorce is final, that doesn't mean that's the end," Raymond said. "Get rid of the anger and torture and have open discussions."
Think of divorce as a business transaction
Divorces can have the same emotional impact as a death, said Raymond. But in the eyes of the law, they're a simple legal contract issue.
"Divorce becomes a business transaction," Stephens said.
A knowledgeable mediator can help you reach an agreement using your state's laws. This is largely the same process that a judge will orchestrate if you go to trial, he said. The difference is that with a mediator, you and your partner have more control, instead of putting the decision into the hands of a stranger. After all, Stephens said, you wouldn't let a stranger order dinner for you — so why let them determine the terms of your divorce?
Take your friends' advice with a grain of salt
Venting to friends can help you process emotions. But beware of friends who offer you suggestions on what to do. Oftentimes, they "have their own axes to grind," Stephens said, including their opinion of your partner or their own divorce experiences. They also don't know the intricacies of your finances or situation. Friends with strong opinions about your divorce can keep you from making real progress in mediation, Stephens said.
Work separately with individual therapists
Divorce brings up many emotions. Having professional help to navigate those before, during, and after the official process is helpful. While couples therapy can also be helpful, individual therapy will help you process your emotions and develop more appropriate, effective ways of dealing with your ex.
Be patient with yourself and expect to process these emotions — and more — over time.
"Divorce isn't just A and Z, it's the whole alphabet in between," Raymond said.
Work toward acceptance and process your grief
Like a death, divorce can bring on different stages of grief. The sooner you can work toward acceptance — letting go of rage, blame, and even sadness — the better off you'll be, Stephens and Raymond said.
"You need to move on," Stephens said. "Life has acts, like a great play. Don't think of the divorce as the end of your life, think about it as the end of your act. There's happiness out there in the next act if you allow it. But if you hold on to bile, resentment, and hate, you're only dooming yourself."