- Permissive parents show kids plenty of love and warmth, but they don't set or enforce many rules.
- This style can foster a strong parent-child bond, but kids may have trouble with self-regulation.
- Experts advise slowly setting more limits and letting kids get comfortable with difficult feelings.
If you find it easy to empathize with your kids but struggle to set boundaries around their behavior, you might be a permissive parent.
Permissive parenting is a parenting style that emphasizes emotional connection and warmth but sets few rules and limits for kids.
For instance, maybe you:
- Let your kids stay up as long as they like instead of setting a bedtime, even when they have to wake up for school the next day.
- Have a hard time saying "no" to a new toy since you don't want your kid to feel sad.
- Avoid scolding your teen for coming home late so you don't embarrass them in front of their friends.
Without a doubt, the affectionate nature of this parenting style can have some benefits for kids, like a strong parent-child bond and high levels of empathy.
But too much freedom and few expectations can make it harder for kids to develop self-control and emotion regulation skills, according to Ellie Borden, a registered psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, and clinical director at Mind By Design, a private therapy practice.
Here are the pros and cons of permissive parenting and what approach experts recommend instead.
Examples of permissive parenting
Parenting styles occur on a continuum between two key components — control and responsiveness, says Robyn Rausch, a licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist at Calming Communities.
To put it simply, permissive parents are great at responding to kids emotionally, but they don't do much to control their behavior. They generally avoid punishment and consequences for kids and have low expectations of obedience, Borden says.
In fact, permissive parents tend to view their relationship with their child as more of a friendship than a parent-child relationship.
This style is the exact opposite of the authoritarian parenting style, where parents exercise a lot of control but aren't very responsive, Rausch says.
Some examples of permissive parenting:
|
Example |
Why it's permissive |
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When your kid hits another kid at the park, you say, "I see you're frustrated, but we don't hit." When they hit another kid, you repeat the same statement but don't take any other action. |
This response conveys warmth and empathy, but it doesn't provide a consequence for the child, like removing them from the play area until they demonstrate they can play safely with others. |
|
When your teen is caught using their phone in class at school, you have a talk with them about why they shouldn't use it in class. After they do the same thing again, you have another conversation about using their phone in class. You say you know it's tough to resist the temptation to use their phone but encourage them to keep trying. |
You acknowledge your teen's feelings but don't set any clear consequences for breaking rules by using the phone at school, such as taking the phone away. Plus, since your teen doesn't have any specific rules to follow around phone use, they'll likely keep using their phone during school, Rausch says. |
|
You let your kids choose when they want to do their homework. If they repeatedly fail to complete their homework by the due date, you have a chat with them about managing their time a little better. |
If your household doesn't have any set rules around when homework needs to be done — like before screen time or playing with friends — your kids might have a hard time finishing it on time. |
Where this style comes from
As a parent, you may be drawn to a permissive style for several reasons, including:
- You're naturally empathetic and value connection with your kids: "These parents are very understanding, and this allows them to be responsive to their children's needs and experiences. Their home and family often feel warm and loving," Rausch says.
- You want to provide the connection, independence, and autonomy you didn't have growing up: Parents raised by authoritarian parents may try to "over-correct" with their own kids and swing too far in the opposite direction, Borden says.
- You lack the tools, time, or emotional capacity to deal with parenting challenges: You may be more permissive when dealing with difficult life circumstances, like a job loss or sick relative — since giving into your kids' demands may feel easier at the moment.
The pros
Permissive parents are warm, welcoming and loving, which can have many benefits for kids, including:
- Higher levels of social connection: Kids with permissive parents are often good at expressing their emotions, understanding others' feelings, and building relationships. Rausch says. A study of empathy among toddlers found those with warm, loving and affectionate mothers had higher levels of empathy.
- Positive parent-child relationship: Children of permissive parents may feel more comfortable talking to their parents about the things happening in their lives because they have less fear of punishment or negative consequences. In fact, a review found that responsive styles of parenting, like permissive parenting, help children form secure attachments to their caregivers.
- Self-esteem: Permissive parenting provides children with a great deal of independence and autonomy, Borden says, which can help them develop a sense of confidence and self-worth. A study exploring the effects of parenting styles on teens in Spain found those with permissive parents had more self-esteem than those with authoritarian parents.
The cons
This style does, however, have a few downsides.
Because permissive parents don't clearly set or enforce rules and boundaries, kids may struggle to understand what's expected of them and how their actions cause consequences, Rausch says.
This can make them feel like the world is unpredictable and chaotic, which can fuel anxiety and control issues.
All the love and warmth permissive parents provide may not mean as much to a kid who doesn't also feel safe, according to Rausch.
Other negative effects of permissive parenting include:
- Difficulty with self-control: A lack of clear boundaries can cause kids to struggle with impulse control and emotional regulation, Borden says.
- Increased risk of substance use: In one study of kids ages 11 to 19, participants who considered their parents more permissive were more likely to use alcohol, tobacco and cannabis.
- Difficulty working through negative emotions: Kids who aren't taught how to handle disappointment and failures may have difficulty coping with challenges, Borden says. In fact, permissive parenting may negatively affect the development of some social-emotional skills by limiting your kids' challenging emotional experiences.
- Trouble making decisions: Children who lack clear direction and supervision may find it difficult to create goals and make decisions, Borden says.
Other parenting styles
In addition to the permissive style, experts recognize three other parenting styles:
- Authoritarian: This style sets strict rules for kids with high expectations of obedience. Authoritarian parents use punishment to enforce rules and offer little emotional responsiveness and warmth to kids.
- Authoritative: Authoritative parents also have high expectations for their kids and firm boundaries — but they explain the reasoning behind their rules and work collaboratively with their kids to solve problems.
- Neglectful or uninvolved: This style of parenting provides for a child's basic needs, but offers very little involvement beyond that. Parents who use this style often leave kids to figure things out on their own.
What experts recommend
Permissive parenting can create a loving and affectionate environment for a child to grow up in, but this style of parenting lacks the boundaries children need to learn important skills, like emotional regulation and accountability, Borden says.
Instead, experts recommend authoritative parenting, which combines the responsiveness and warmth of permissive parenting with firm boundaries and natural consequences when kids push limits.
This balance allows authoritative parenting to consistently meet kids' relational and safety needs, Rausch says. As a result, this style can promote better mental health and self-regulation skills than permissive parenting.
If you naturally take a permissive approach to parenting, you may find it somewhat challenging to shift to a more authoritative style. But there are ways to ease into setting boundaries and providing more structure.
Rausch and Borden recommend these tips:
- Reframe your thoughts: Permissive parents are often deeply empathetic and try to shield their children from negative emotions, Rausch says. But instead of viewing your child's sadness or frustration when facing a consequence as something bad, try to view these feelings as opportunities for your child to build resilience and understand how their actions affect others.
- Establish clear rules and define acceptable behavior: More than likely, your kids are used to a great deal of freedom, so they may resist when you set limits around what they can and can't do. You can help them adjust by clearly defining acceptable and unacceptable behavior and rewarding them when they follow the rules, Borden says
- Be a good role model: Demonstrating how to take responsibility for your actions can also help your child learn. For example, if you leave a mess after cooking, you could say something like "I don't feel like cleaning right now, but I'm going to do it anyway. Other people need to use the kitchen, and cleaning up my mess will allow other people to use this space."
- Give your child more ownership of tasks: Permissive parents often don't demand much from their kids, when it comes to chores or household tasks. You can start helping your child develop a better sense of responsibility and achievement in contributing to the family by giving them ownership over certain jobs. For example, you might have them get the mail every day or make their bed every morning.
- Connect with a therapist: There's no denying that changing your parenting style is hard work that takes time and practice. If you find it tough to make changes to your parenting on your own, a professional counselor or therapist can always offer more guidance and support.
Insider's takeaway
Permissive parents tend to show their children freedom and autonomy, with little structure or rules. They emphasize lenience over punishment and offer kids plenty of warmth and flexibility.
This parenting style can promote strong bonds between parents and children, but a lack of clear boundaries may leave kids feeling anxious. Not only that, permissive parenting may limit their ability to make decisions confidently and develop important skills, like self-control and responsibility.
You can shift your parenting from permissive to authoritative by establishing clear rules, explaining the reasoning behind those rules, and using positive reinforcement when your child follows the rules.
And above all: "Remember to be patient, consistent, and open to change as needed," Borden says.