- After too many dinner parties ended in screaming, my husband and I decided not to have people over.
- We haven't entertained since before the pandemic, and we're much happier for it.
- My husband and I are very different personality types who always clash when our friends are over.
While nobody gives you a manual on how to be part of a couple, one of the things you're expected to do with your partner is entertain.
Dinner parties, cocktail evenings, themed brunches — in movies, these events look fabulous. They're fun, carefree, and typically showcase a couple at their best. Sometimes that happens in real life too.
Just not in my home.
My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 11, and friends for nearly two decades. We love each other, but whenever we've had people over through the years, we have loathed each other.
We have decided that because of this, we are never having anyone over ever again.
The fights start before people even arrive
It starts long before people come over. We get stressed out about different things, so the lead-up to any event involves a lot of bickering and occasionally a screaming match — or three. This typically continues with passive-aggressive barbs flung across the table.
Neither one of us pays any attention to our guests the whole night unless we're trying to seek validation from them that we've married the worst person on the planet.
That excruciatingly brilliant episode of "The Office" in which Jan and Michael host their dinner party and reveal how shambolic things are behind the scenes is one of our favorites to watch together. The irony of our own dysfunctional hosting is not lost on us, and like Jan, I have been guilty of nearly not getting the food on the table on a couple of occasions.
Friends from my year abroad in Paris have had an annual dinner since the early 2000s, which we've hosted on several occasions. They still talk about the time my husband was running around the kitchen, panicking and asking whether I'd cooked enough potatoes for all 12 of us. In his defense, I'd forgotten about them entirely and was dancing around the kitchen giggling with my pals.
Our personalities are very different
While my husband is organized and meticulous, frantically cleaning the house before we have guests over, I'm much more laid-back and spontaneous. I like the thrill of trying new things, like making a complicated dessert I've never attempted before on a night when five guests are showing up. I'll even invite an extra person at the last minute.
My husband likes us to plan weeks ahead to make sure everything is all set up; I lose interest if I attempt to do anything in advance. I get annoyed with him for being so uptight and turning what's meant to be a fun occasion into a military exercise. He's stressed because he's trying to micromanage me, but my chaos is too wild for him to tame.
I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD, which has helped both of us understand the reasons behind my impulsivity, forgetfulness, and time blindness.
Entertaining works for us only when everything falls into place. If I'm stressed, have a bad night of sleep, or need to take the dog to the hospital, I'm not going to be a super fun or sociable "host with the most" that evening.
Juggling work and four young children means my husband and I are often too tired to entertain anyway. Maybe we'll get better at it as the kids get older.
We still like socializing, just not on our own turf. We do better when we can relax and the pressure to clean, cook, and present everything beautifully isn't on our shoulders.
We just like each other a lot more when we're not trying to impress other people.