- Kay Eskridge has let her now 9-year-old daughter trick-or-treat without her since first grade.
- She introduced her to many neighbors first and taught her safety skills, especially around traffic.
- The mom said she keeps the risks of the girl going out alone or with her friends in perspective.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Kay Eskridge, 48, a social worker and director of communications for a church in Louisville, Kentucky. It has been edited for length and clarity.
My daughter, Julia, was 6 when she went trick-or-treating for the first time without me or my husband, Troy, on Halloween 2021.
She's a pretty smart kid with her head screwed on. Troy, 54, and I support the kind of independence we had growing up in the 1980s. It would have been humiliating if our parents had gone trick or treating with us.
So, when she was in first grade, I suggested she go with a 10-year-old girl called Johnae, the daughter of my best friend, Jonetta. They don't live in our town but attended our neighbor's campfire party, where many people were milling around, eating food, and having fun.
Jonetta, a fellow social worker, was a bit unsettled. "What if somebody grabs them?" she said. We'd met as colleagues at Child Protection Services, where I'd worked for 12 years. I reminded her what we'd learned from being on the front line for so long: it's not strangers who are kidnapping kids.
Of course, there is the occasional case of stranger abduction. There is no worse tragedy. But the statistics show it's far more likely to be a domestic situation — often related to a dispute over child custody.
We told our kids to return by a certain time
Jonetta and I were close and good at checking each other. "It's OK," I said. "Your daughter's 10 and shouldn't have to be helicoptered. Let her have some independence."
So the girls left the party and trick-or-treated together. We gave them an appointed time to return before sunset because we were more nervous about distracted drivers who might not see them. They came back with the biggest smiles on their faces. Nobody had grabbed anyone. When Jonetta saw Johnae's pride, she realized it was a good decision.
It was such a success that Julia and I started to plan for the following Halloween — and to open up more freedoms in general. I'd introduce her to people as we walked or cycled around the neighborhood. We're lucky because it's a grid of three or four streets with around 200 houses. It's almost impossible to take a wrong turn.
"This is Miss Dee, and she lives at Number 80," I'd tell Julia when we met a neighbor doing yard work. "You can ask Miss Dee if you need help with anything." I encouraged my daughter to strike up conversations and not be shy.
It was a process with a lot of basic rules and common sense. "Is it safe to cross the street here and right now?" I'd ask Julia. "What do we need to do here?" I'd say, pointing to a stop sign. We wore brightly-colored clothing and used flashlights after dark.
In 2022, Julia went trick-or-treating with two friends, one 7 and the other 8. The parent of the 7-year-old wanted to tag along, and although she was a bit disappointed, Julia went with the flow. She understood that different families have different parenting styles.
Still, I've been encouraging other parents we know to give their children more independence. I said I was OK with the kids playing alone in our neighborhood park. "They're at a good age where I trust that, if something happened, the other one would come and get an adult," I told them.
We're holding out against giving Julia a cellphone until high school. Troy is a high school teacher and has seen the addiction firsthand among the kids. Instead, Julia will grab a walkie-talkie if she goes cycling or stays in the park off-hours.
Our friends are coming around to our way of thinking. Last October, the same mom who had trailed behind in 2022 was the most vocal advocate for the friend group to trick or treat without supervision. "Wow, I've made a difference," I thought.
But we're not complacent. We continue to talk to Julia about personal safety and traffic precautions. As a third grader this year, she will join friends her own age — or maybe go alone. She'll leave around sunset because the dark is a big part of the scary experience.
She has proven to us time and again that she can be trusted. She has earned her Halloween freedom and fun.
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