- My son and I moved to New Jersey after my dad found out he had cancer.
- After my dad's death, my son moved into my bedroom because we both needed extra comfort.
- We share a bedroom but sleep in separate beds.
"Mom, is this storm OK?" My son stood tentatively in the doorway, pillow, and stuffed toy in tow. Lightning blazed across the sky, and thunder boomed in the background — our North Carolina coastal town was under a tropical-storm watch, and it was scary. I asked if he wanted to sleep in my room. Relieved, he nodded and climbed into the daybed a few feet away from my king.
A few months earlier, my husband and I had separated.
In North Carolina, spouses are required to live in different homes for one year before they can legally divorce. I used the transition as an opportunity to encourage my son to sleep in his own room, and for a few months, he did.
But since that storm, he's wanted to stay in my room, and that's OK for now.
After my father's cancer diagnosis, my son moved into my room
We didn't always co-sleep. In fact, as an infant and toddler, my son slept in a crib in his own room with no issues.
I was never a fan of the cry-it-out method, but I did try to minimize the time it took to get him settled at night with a solid bedtime routine: bath, bottle, book, and bed. It worked. He felt secure in his own space and slept well, going down at the same time each night and waking up around the same time every morning.
But when he was 4 years old, we relocated to my hometown in New Jersey. My father had received a diagnosis of late-stage esophageal cancer, and witnessing his health deteriorate took a toll on us both. My son had developed a particularly close bond with my dad, and we visited him together as often as we could. But he knew that his pop-pop was sick, and it was too much for his sensitive soul.
As my father slipped away, I was gobsmacked by grief. I felt angry, exhausted, and irritable. My son had a tough time, too. He started having sleep issues, waking up earlier and earlier.
One night, I let him sleep on the pullout sofa at the foot of my bed, and it stuck. Being close to me helped him sleep better, and the sweet sound of his breathing at night was a comfort during the hardest time of my life.
Sleeping in the same room brings familiarity after divorce
It's been four years since my father passed and 10 months since the end of my marriage. Through it all, my main priority has been my son — his happiness, his mental health, his future.
I can't give him the structure of the family unit he's always known, and that kills me. But by letting him stay in my room, I'm at least providing him with a little extra comfort.
I know that I'm making plenty of mistakes as I stumble into this new life as a single mom, but letting my son sleep in my room feels like the right choice.
As my therapist said to me, during times of transition, co-sleeping — even in separate beds — can be reassuring to children.
Sure, I want my son to grow up to be independent and steady on his own, but right now we're navigating a world of unknowns. So for now, we'll keep being roommates. I'm sure that will change soon enough. He'll want his privacy, and that, too, will bring me joy.
Until then, I'm taking solace in the boost of security he gets from staying in my room.