- Heather Clements, 35, was a professional surrogate for nine years and worked with LGBTQ+ couples.
- Clements says she's been paid between $40,000 and $50,000 to be a surrogate, in the past.
- She also received money for therapy sessions, massages, and food, but she doesn't do the job for the perks.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Heather Clements, a 35-year-old retired surrogate who lives in Hillsboro, Oregon. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
As a young adult, I never wanted to have kids. But at 22, I found out I was pregnant and I was so unhappy about it. I felt betrayed by my body. But the second my son was born, everything changed. It was such a magical moment and I felt strongly that being a mom was what I was supposed to be doing in this life.
After I had my second son, I couldn't stop thinking about other people who weren't able to have kids and how much I wanted to help them. I spent a few days doing research before connecting with Northwest Surrogacy Center, a place where intended parents can match with someone to carry the child for them, and began the process to become a surrogate.
Over the last nine years, I've carried and delivered four babies as a surrogate. Here's how the job works.
You get to know the couples and decide who to work with
The process to apply was easy. I filled out a questionnaire with my information, met a staff member in person, and then worked on an extensive application that included questions about my religious preferences, medical history, and background. After getting accepted, the agency started to match me with intended parents.
As a surrogate you get to choose who your bio is sent to. When there's a couple who's interested in working with me, the agency sends me their bio, which includes details about who they are, where they live, their careers, and even their religious preferences.
The first time an agency sent me a couple to review, I read their bio and didn't feel like we'd have a connection, so I passed up working with them. When I read the bio of the second couple the agency sent, I felt like we had similar outlooks on life and I was excited to learn more about them.
I decided I only wanted to be a surrogate for LGBTQ couples
I had always been an ally. The first couple I matched with was an LGBTQ couple from Israel. After reading their bio, I felt like we had similar outlooks on life and I was excited to learn more about them.
We first chatted over Zoom and then they flew out to meet me and we spent a week together. When I got to know them, I felt a strong connection with them, like we were old friends. After getting to know each other, we decided to work together because when I read their bio it felt like I had written it myself.
Then, when we met in person, everything was so easy and we clicked.
I like to work with couples who feel like friends
I know it might be weird to say, but you fall in love with the couples that you're working with. Not in a romantic way, but in a very close friendship kind of way.
During the year or so that you're working together, you're communicating with them daily about how you're feeling and what's going on. It's tough when the process is over because your relationship does change.
After the baby is born, the couple goes back home with the baby, and while we still communicate, and I receive updates, it's never the same. The couple is focused on raising the baby and I go back to living my life.
When you're a surrogate, you're taking a year out of your life to do this job
After my first-time as a surrogate, I was eager to do it again. The surrogacy center I use requires a minimum of one year in between pregnancies. So, I made sure to plan to do this when I could fully dedicate myself to the job.
When you're a surrogate, you're not in control of all your choices. You do a lot of things to fulfill your part of the surrogacy contract, from adhering to specific dietary requests to doing whatever you can to have a healthy pregnancy.
The surrogacy process has a few important steps
If it's a match, a contract is drafted between my lawyer and their lawyer. Once that's signed, I go in for blood work and an ultrasound to make sure I don't have any polyps on my uterus. If all looks good, we begin the embryo transfer process.
This process can take a few weeks and before the transfer happens, I have to take prenatal vitamins and hormone shots. Once the embryo transfer happens successfully, I am pregnant and then I spend nine months going through routine appointments with my OBGYN and doing the regular prenatal care and testing.
During this time, I'm keeping the couple updated on news from each appointment, how I'm feeling, and sharing ultrasound pictures with them.
It's not an emotional process
A lot of people ask me if it's hard to give up the baby. What they don't understand is that when you're a surrogate, the process of getting pregnant and delivering the baby is very clinical.
You're not spending months planning for the baby to come home and setting up a crib, like you'd do for your own pregnancy. Instead, you're going through the IVF process for a month, taking hormone shots, going to doctor's appointments, and communicating daily updates to the couple.
The relationship you're building isn't between you and the baby, it's between you and the couple. So the joy I feel for the process is built around sharing the experience of carrying the couple's baby with them, not waiting to meet the baby myself.
I always want to be in the baby's life, but it's up to the couple
When the baby is born, the doctors take the baby immediately and give it to the couple, who are waiting in the next room. I don't get to see the baby, or the family, until they're ready. This is a personal choice of mine. I don't want there to be any fear that I'll connect with the baby and I don't want to handle any of the emotional repercussions of that.
Whether or not I'm able to stay in the baby's life, post-birth, is something that's decided upon on an individual basis, each time I'm a surrogate.
In the past, I've visited families, stayed connected with them on social media, and received frequent photos and updates over the years.
I've been paid between $40,000 and $50,000 to be a surrogate, in the past
As a surrogate, the amount you get paid varies based on many factors, like experience and location. However, you also get different stipends.
I was given a certain amount of money to put toward therapy sessions, massages, and food. The amount you're given for these perks vary and is based on negotiations with the couple prior to working with them.
I've had extra expenses covered by the couple, from parking fees and gas that I used for appointments to even life insurance that's paid for during the entire pregnancy. They also cover health insurance premiums and medical bills incurred during the pregnancy.
I don't do this job for the money
Sure, I get paid to do this but I'm a surrogate because it's an incredible feeling to give someone this type of gift. I love meeting the people I work with, building a connection with them, and watching them become parents because of something I helped them do. It's an incredible experience.
Even though I've loved my work as a surrogate, I've decided not to do it again. I've been pregnant six times — three of the babies have been my own — and carried seven babies to a full term.
Last year, I decided to get a tubal ligation surgery to close my fallopian tubes. I'm happy about that choice because my journey feels complete. I'm ready to start a new chapter of my life