- When we first started dating, my husband and I moved in together pretty quickly.
- He liked to invite friends over and party until early in the morning because he's an extrovert.
- As an introvert, I fought with him a lot until we learned to compromise.
My husband started out as a friend who I never would have dated if it weren't for the pandemic's strict lockdown. He was a digital nomad before the pandemic grounded him in the city and gave us a chance to fall in love.
Within months, we got an apartment together. It was a blissful beginning, especially since we were both happier than we had expected to be. The world had shut down, and it was just the two of us. We had to navigate being a couple in a public setting only when the lockdown restrictions eased.
My husband is an extrovert. When we were just friends, I appreciated how he showed up to birthdays and weekends away; he was the life of the party. As his girlfriend, however, I saw the flipside. He would go out partying several nights a week, often returning late at night. He seemed incapable of turning down an invitation, sometimes on behalf of us both.
Coming out of the pandemic, I initially took any chance I got to go out and let loose. But I couldn't keep up with his hard-partying social circle. Although his buddies were all older than me and married with kids, they met every weekend.
My husband's former bachelor pad was a popular venue for these gatherings until I came along. Soon, I found I couldn't keep playing hostess until 4 a.m. I'm an introvert — someone who usually prefers a low-key hangout with a few close friends or a night in by myself. I like routine and conversations, and I'm not a natural drinker. In short, parties are generally not where I shine.
So, my now-husband and I ran into issues.
I wondered if we were incompatible
Even when I enjoy a big social event, I'm exhausted afterward and need time to recuperate. On the other hand, my husband's weekend ragers set him up for a disciplined routine throughout the week. Bafflingly, the late nights fuelled his early morning jogging and meditation. The easygoing demeanor I loved was maintained by regularly blowing off steam.
Still, I wasn't sure the tradeoff was worth it. His hectic social life made me uncomfortable in my home, a sacred space for an introvert. I didn't want to be the reason his friends couldn't come over, but I was bored by the same old boozy parties where I was the only sober one.
Dealing with an extroverted partner was one thing, but being up against a whole group felt like a losing battle. It was also a fast track to being disliked by many of my boyfriend's nearest, dearest friends — a nightmare for any fledgling relationship.
The social friction didn't only rub one way. My friends would meet up, usually to play board games and catch up over kombucha and hard seltzer. For my boyfriend, these toned-down affairs made his eyes glaze over, and he didn't hide it well. I was frustrated by his all-or-nothing approach to socializing.
I realized I couldn't envision a future where I would be on edge whenever we spent time with others. The introvert-extrovert divide had become existential.
We have found balance through boundaries
Setting boundaries wasn't quick or easy; it delayed our engagement by nearly a year. We knew we couldn't move forward without establishing harmony between all the people we loved.
After some difficult conversations and compromising, my husband now only goes out on weekends, and I rarely join him. We're comfortable having separate social lives. His friends have understood that my reluctance to party isn't a rejection of them and that sometimes a serious conversation is good for the soul. My friends have accepted that my husband might drunkenly cut their birthday cake (true story), but he'll also be the first to help them out of a jam.
Inevitably, my husband and I appreciate each other more, too. I've learned that throwing a great party only requires a generous spirit. He now leaves events early, preferring to watch a true crime documentary with me and our cats. Balancing the introvert-extrovert equation has prompted us both to change for the better.