- Michaelle Barbor is the primary breadwinner in her family while her husband is a stay-at-home dad.
- The arrangement has come with challenges and external judgement, but it works for their family.
- Their family dynamic is stronger, as they've seen the importance of teamwork, communication, and support.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Michaelle Barbor, a 38-year-old project manager from King, North Carolina. It's been edited for length and clarity.
I've been the female breadwinner for our family of four, including our two daughters ages 11 and 4, for about five years.
I work a full-time 9-to-5 job as a project manager and also run an e-commerce business on the side. My husband was a chef before we began transitioning him into a stay-at-home dad role in 2017. He gradually reduced his work hours and we settled into our current roles in 2019, around the time of the birth of our second child.
Being a female breadwinner has ultimately strengthened our family dynamic and taught us the importance of teamwork, clear communication, and mutual support. My husband and I have become more intentional when communicating, regularly checking in with each other about our needs and challenges.
We've found a way to divide tasks that works for us
My husband manages school runs, meal preparation, cleaning, and most day-to-day child-rearing tasks during the week. His cooking skills as a former chef are certainly helpful.
I mostly work from home, which lets me be more present for my family. We homeschool our daughters, dividing teaching responsibilities based on strengths; my husband excels at math and history, while I handle language and writing lessons every weekday from 7:30 a.m. to 9:30 a.m.
During the workday, I mostly focus on my job, but I'm able to plan my lunch breaks around my children's schedules and take daily walks with them. My daughters often bring art supplies and books into my office while I work, and if I'm not in a meeting or handling something urgent, I can read to them.
I try to be fully present for family time in the evenings and on weekends. We have dinner together, work on homeschooling assignments, and engage in family activities like board games or reading. On Sunday mornings, we go for family hikes.
My husband and I also try to carve out time for ourselves by spending time together after the kids have gone to bed at 8:30 p.m. and having date nights on Saturdays.
Every weeknight from around 9 p.m. until 11:30 p.m., I dedicate time to working on my e-commerce business. I started it in 2017 to gain experience with ERP systems and project management, which I believed would strengthen my job applications. It later evolved to be profitable.
Balancing a full-time job, an e-commerce business, and family life is challenging
I feel accomplished because I'm able to support my family through multiple income streams, which add up to over six figures. My husband also contributes to our income through his passion project of selling vintage and used Lego sets on Facebook Marketplace.
But I also feel considerable pressure as the primary earner solely responsible for our family's financial well-being. When the company where I work full-time went through a round of layoffs last year, I was extremely anxious about potentially losing our main source of income. This stress led to me being distracted during family time and occasionally snapping at my husband over minor issues.
Juggling the mental load of multiple responsibilities can also be exhausting. There have been times when I've been in an important work meeting while worrying about a pending order for my business, or remembering I promised to help with a school project. This sometimes leads to moments of forgetfulness or irritability at home.
Last holiday season, I was swamped with a major project deadline at my full-time job at the same time I had a spike in online sales. I found myself working sometimes until 2 or 3 a.m. to keep up with both responsibilities and became less present with my family.
My husband and I remain flexible and adjust as needed
During busy periods for my business, he steps up even more, taking on bedtime routines solo and managing weekend activities without me. He also helps with my business by managing stock and handling shipping.
When he needs a break, I take over more household duties. Last summer, he told me he felt burned out after a particularly challenging week with the kids and asked for a day off to recharge. I took off work, handled all the chores and childcare, and encouraged him to spend the day on his hobbies and relaxing. This gave him a much-needed break and gave me a deeper appreciation for his daily responsibilities.
I also make sure to take time off from both my full-time job and the e-commerce business for family vacations, special events, or just to have a day away from work completely.
Our arrangement works for us, but I sometimes feel "mom FOMO"
Seeing my husband's close bond with our children has been one of the most rewarding aspects of our arrangement. Our kids appreciate having their dad available at home, which provides them with a sense of stability and constant support.
But as a working mom, I also sometimes experience "mom FOMO" when I miss important moments in their days or see how naturally the kids turn to their dad for comfort or help.
One morning, I came downstairs to find my youngest daughter proudly showing my husband a picture she'd drawn. "Look, Daddy! I drew our family!" she exclaimed. She'd drawn herself, her sister, and my husband in great detail, but I was represented by a stick figure off to the side, hunched over what looked like a computer. It was a stark, innocent representation of how my absence had been felt. My heart sank, and it really drove home the importance of finding a better balance, even during hectic work periods.
While I can't always control my work demands, it reminded me to make a conscious effort to be present and engaged when I am with my family, and to carve out dedicated, device-free time with them whenever possible.
My husband and I have had to navigate complex dynamics and have open conversations
My husband has been incredibly supportive of my career and business, but we've had to work through his initial feelings of inadequacy, despite the immense value of his role at home. He'd been working continuously since he was 16, so adjusting to staying home was initially challenging for him.
He once confided that he felt like he wasn't "contributing enough" because his work didn't bring in a substantial income. We both grew up with traditional expectations of the man as the primary breadwinner and the woman as the primary caregiver. Adjusting to our current setup required us to challenge these ingrained beliefs and reassure each other of the value we both bring to our family in different ways.
We've also faced raised eyebrows and probing questions from family members and acquaintances. A relative once asked my husband when he was "going back to work," implying that being a stay-at-home parent wasn't real work. At a neighborhood barbecue, someone asked my husband what he "actually does all day" since he's "just" a stay-at-home dad.
We've learned to be confident in our choices and respond to such comments by highlighting the importance of my husband's role in our family and the mutual decision we made for our family's well-being.
Our unconventional setup has actually strengthened our relationship. We keep open communication, discussing any issues that come up and seeking professional help when needed. We work on our relationship daily, and I feel our romantic connection has deepened through this shared commitment to our family's unique dynamics.
Our arrangement might change in the future; there's no one "right" way
Our children have adapted well to our family's division of labor. It's empowering to know I'm setting an example about entrepreneurship, hard work, and determination.
Our 11-year-old, who has expressed admiration for my work ethic, often shows interest in my projects and has even been inspired to start a small business selling handmade cloth diapers. Both of our daughters understand the value of perseverance and often talk about their future career visions.
While our current arrangement works well for us now, we're open to changing it as our family's needs evolve. We've discussed the possibility of my husband re-entering the workforce part-time or pursuing his own business ventures more seriously once our children grow older and become more independent.
Our children are growing up seeing that there's no one "right" way to structure a family and that teamwork and support are crucial in relationships.
If you have an unconventional household structure and would like to share your story, email Jane Zhang at [email protected].
