- A negative self-image led me to use food as a coping mechanism.
- I've gained and lost 198 pounds three times, but in an unhealthy way.
- I've spent a lifetime hating myself for poor past decisions.
For years, I avoided looking at myself in mirrors; there were too many lumps and stretch marks. I hated seeing my clothes stretched because my belly was a bit too big. One stroll past a mirror was enough to trigger me and send me into a depressive episode for the whole day.
I've struggled with my self-image almost my entire adult life. It's not that I don't know what to do to be healthy; I just haven't done it consistently.
In 2007, I was the best man at a friend's wedding. When I saw myself in the wedding photos, I cried out every ounce of liquid in my body.
It was the heaviest I had been
When we took those photos, I weighed around 398 pounds — the heaviest I'd ever been. After two days of crying, I knew I had to do something.
I started working out for six hours a day and had a restrictive diet. I lost 170 pounds in eight months but hated life. It didn't take long for the weight to come back because of the unhealthy or unsustainable practices.
When the weight came back, I sunk into a deeper depression. I hated myself even more for having made changes and ruined them.
The cycle of losing and gaining weight continued from 2008 to 2020
I've tried all the diets, hired trainers and health coaches, attended events, and even almost had gastric-bypass surgery. In 2020, I tried something I'd never considered: therapy.
Through regular therapy, I understood that I had to forgive myself for past decisions and let go of feeling guilty for situations outside of my control.
I can't help that my birth father physically abused and abandoned me and my brother. It's not my fault I was kicked out of my home at 17 years old and spent 18 months living in a homeless shelter to start my adult life.
I had to learn that my past doesn't dictate my future; I get to decide what my life becomes with my actions.
Therapy was a mental awakening
I'm working on overcoming my self-image struggles every day. Through therapy and a lot of research, I've learned the importance of tiny habits. I know the path to my healthiest me is consistently moving more and having proper nutrition.
I've changed how I identify, which has made significant physical and mental-health changes in my life.
I'm not yo-yoing anymore; I've committed to a healthy lifestyle instead of viewing what I'm doing as "dieting and exercise."
At the time of this writing, I weigh 280 pounds. I've released 118 pounds since my heaviest weight. For me, it's not the number on the scale — it's how I feel. I don't avoid mirrors anymore — I love the person I see for who he is. I accept that this is my body, and it's capable of amazing things.
I am working to shape my body into its healthiest version because I want to live a long life and spend as much time as I can watching my children and grandchildren grow up.
I still go to therapy regularly, exercise three times a week, have a trainer, and choose food aligned with a healthy lifestyle. No more fad diets or unsustainable living.
I'm loving myself and learning to love the journey.