- Bella DePaulo has always been single and chooses to spend most of her time alone.
- She used to feel self-conscious but now shares her experience to help other singles.
- A record 30% of Americans were living alone in 2022, according to US Census data.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Bella DePaulo, 71, a social scientist and author who lives in California. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
As a 71-year-old single woman who's happily never had a serious romantic relationship, people are often confused by my lifestyle.
They think I must wish I was coupled up and just can't understand that being on your own, even vacationing alone, can be a wonderful experience rather than something sad, desperate, and lonely.
There's a preconception that if you're single, you're either stuck at home alone or forced to do things on your own because you don't have anyone. And while that can be true of some people, we're really misled when we think that's true of all single people.
I consider myself single at heart, which means I'm happiest and most fulfilled when I'm not in a relationship.
Those who know me well know that I enjoy being with others, especially close friends and family, and I also really love doing things on my own.
I actively enjoy spending a weekend, or even an entire week alone. I love getting to decide what I want to do, when I want to do it, how long I want to stay up, what I want to eat, and whether I want to be with other people, and if so, who and for how long.
I see friends once or twice a week
Through my early to mid-adulthood I liked having one to two days a week all to myself. As I've gotten older it's flipped and I'm happy to have five or six days a week to myself, although I'm happy to do more socializing than that.
On an average week, I see friends once or twice, usually for lunch or dinner.
I almost always go out for a daily walk. I live in Summerland, California, which is right on the cusp of the Pacific Ocean, so I either walk along the beach or one of the spectacularly beautiful trails.
On the weekends, I often do some errands, maybe going grocery shopping or something like that. Sometimes I'll go to a farmers market and get fresh fruit and vegetables to make a wonderful dinner. I wish somebody else would swoop in and clean up afterwards and then leave, but I do like the cooking and the eating part.
At night I like watching TV or a movie or reading a novel. I'm a social scientist and author and a lot of times I do my writing and reading relevant to work because I really enjoy it. I study and write about the joy of single life and have recently been touring my book "Single at Heart," around Washington DC, New York, Toronto, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Seattle.
I'm happy to spend the holidays alone
Growing up, my house was a really sociable place. I was raised in Pennsylvania with several siblings, and my mom had a lot of siblings who all lived near us. So there were big family gatherings all the time.
Over Christmas, my mom would make tons and tons of Christmas cookies and we'd have waves of people coming in. That was fun up to a point, but I was also happy when they left.
Before I moved to California in 2000, I worked at the University of Virginia, which was 377 miles away from my family home, so I always went back there for family Thanksgivings.
I don't have a yearly Thanksgiving or Christmas tradition now but I've celebrated them with friends, family, and on my own. I'm happy with whichever.
I have a friend who visits me every other year for Thanksgiving. Another friend often comes for New Year's Eve, and sometimes, I travel. Just before COVID, I spent Christmas in Mexico, and that was a lot of fun.
I don't have any plans for Christmas yet.
I used to feel self-conscious about being alone on big holidays
I've always enjoyed spending time on my own, even on days like Christmas when you're "supposed" to be with people. What's changed is that I used to be self-conscious about it.
When I was younger, I felt judged and hoped that nobody would ask me what my plans were, even though being alone was what I wanted.
I've gotten way past that now. I feel proud to be happy on my own and show up to an event filled with couples and upend their expectations.
I hope that by being open about that, I'm making it easier for other people, too.