- Brian Gross is a 49-year-old publicist in Los Angeles who has never had children.
- He finds it easier to date older women now but is also content to be alone.
- He says dating older women means there's no pressure to talk about having children.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Brian Gross. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Throughout my adult life, I've had several long-term monogamous relationships. I was even engaged once.
Each of the relationships ended without children. It wasn't necessarily a conscious decision, but several influences probably contributed to my never having children with the women I dated.
My parents divorced when I was a young adult, which was painful to watch. And since then, many friends who married and had kids, later divorced. It was tough to watch them go through it. I wasn't keen on doing the same.
I take care of my mom and brother
I am a caretaker for my mother and brother, so I'm not in a position to even consider taking care of children. But I'm also very career-driven. Running a PR firm for the last 24 years has taken up so much time and energy.
Between taking care of my family members and working long hours, how would I even begin to fit children into the equation?
When I dated women seriously, we would have general discussions about whether she wanted children. A few women, like me, were very focussed on their work, and the discussion about kids didn't come up at all.
I can recall a couple of times I felt pressured by women I dated to have children, but it never panned out.
The "How do you feel about children?" conversation is always intense, especially when one or both parties don't have definitive opinions. The thought of the impending conversation about it always made me a little stressed.
I'm open about not wanting kids
But my last relationship, which lasted nearly four years and ended in January 2024, was with a woman who was older than me. We lived a lifestyle I appreciated, which included a lot of travel, and I never had to worry about the pressure to discuss kids. Because she couldn't have children at her age, that conversation didn't even exist. It was a huge stress relief.
Whereas before dating her, I wouldn't have said kids were off the cards — after dating her, I would.
This decision has led to dating being a bit more challenging.
I meet women through dating apps and in day-to-day life. I've had to ask myself if I really want to be dating younger women who might want to start a family. While I would never rule out dating someone younger, I make sure that I am open and communicative about my preference not to have children if and when the relationship progresses. I wouldn't want to lead someone on only to dash their hopes by telling them I don't want to have kids.
I find it much easier to date women who are my age and older because I don't even have to think about the potential for the conversation to happen.
It's not just the idea of having kids I've let go as I have gotten older — I also no longer feel forced to have a serious relationship.
When I was younger and on the fence about having kids, I unconsciously needed a relationship if children were going to be in my future. But now that I'm decidedly not having children and my age has eased, the pressure to be in a relationship has eased.
Although I enjoy dating, it's not prioritized like it was in the past. I know what I want moving forward, and I am excited about the future. I like my life, work, hobbies, and aspirations. If someone comes along and we fit, fantastic. But it's not a need like it used to be.
I'm more content than I've ever been in my life.