- I had my kids when I was 38 and 41.
- I've started to take self-care more seriously, and it can be hard to connect to younger parents
- I'm glad I had my kids at the age I did. I'm more confident than I was when I was younger.
I had my first child at age 38 and the second at 41. I never thought I'd be an older parent, but the world had other plans, namely grad school, an intense career, and the demise of a long-term relationship from which it took me a while to recover. And while I was thrilled to finally become a mom, I was also nervous about the stigma that can come with doing it when you're older.
I was right to worry, as plenty of cringe-worthy moments have resulted from my "advanced" parenting age — like when I had the label "geriatric pregnancy" stamped on my medical file. (Can we get that term changed, please?)
What I didn't anticipate, though, was that there are also many benefits to having children later in life. Being an older parent, it turns out, is one long, beautiful roller coaster ride filled with both ups and downs. Here are some of the most important truths I've learned along the way.
I take self-care more seriously
Having kids at an older age has forced me to get serious about taking care of myself, not just for my benefit but also for that of my children. My kids' most active years are still ahead of them, so I want to ensure mine are, too.
When I started to look at things this way, Pilates class began to seem essential rather than something that I could skip, even if I'm feeling lazy or pressed for time. Eating well, getting enough sleep, and taking care of my mental health have become decisions not just about how I'll feel the next day or the next week, but about whether I'll be around to meet my grandchildren.
It's harder to connect with younger parents
Usually, when I talk to other parents at the playground or school drop-off, they turn out to be much younger. This can cause a disconnect, because while our kids may be the same age, we're often in very different places when it comes to other things like career stage, caring for aging parents, or our general outlook on life (which, it turns out, is very different in your 40s than it is in your 20s).
The close mom friends I've made are usually also on the older side, and, like me, are not quick to broadcast their age. But somehow, we've been able to recognize each other as part of the same secret society of older parents. (It could be the gray hairs.)
I'll always be a little insecure about my age
Aging is hard enough, but I didn't expect one of my worries to be whether my kids are being singled out as the ones with "the old parents." Worrying about this has definitely sent me running to my dermatologist for Botox and fillers earlier (and more often) than I likely otherwise would have.
I also often find myself editing the way I talk around other, younger parents. No need to mention how I got my first Hotmail account in high school or that I remember when Lollapalooza started — the first time.
However, with age has come confidence
After plenty of ups and downs in my 20s and early 30s, I'm now confident about who I am in a way I wasn't in my younger years. I'm grateful to have had the time to figure out what I wanted my own life to look like before I became responsible for someone else's. I can't imagine anything harder than raising a child while trying to figure out what kind of adult you want to be.
I feel lucky my children didn't have to bear witness as I learned the basic lessons of adult life, like how to be financially secure, forge a professional identity, and fold a fitted sheet. (Actually, scratch that last one, I'm still struggling.) They will only ever know me as someone who is able to take care of them because I've already learned how to take care of myself.
While I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I'd had children when I was younger, I honestly wouldn't change a thing. Because although being an older parent can be a mixed bag, it's one I'm very grateful to have been handed.