- Abigail DeGuzman moved to the US for a better life, but struggled to balance work and family.
- The mother of four prioritized her demanding job over spending time with her children,
- Now, she is working to rebuild her relationship with her children through therapy and effort.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Abigail DeGuzman, a 49-year-old IT director at Strategic Connection from Brookhaven, Pennsylvania. It's been edited for length and clarity.
I've been working for the same company for nearly 22 years and am now the director of the fast-paced IT department responsible for employees worldwide. During certain times of the year, we're a nearly 24/7 operation, so it can be very stressful and demanding.
I'm also a divorced mother to four kids. I wanted so badly to provide for my children and sacrificed so much to ensure they had everything they needed for a good life. But in the process, I lost the chance to be their mother in the ways that mattered most.
I moved to the US alone to make a better life for my family
In 2000, I landed a job with a big IT consulting company and moved from the Philippines to the US as a programmer on an H1-B visa. My visa didn't cover my three-year-old son and then-husband, so I would have to leave them behind in the Philippines. I was determined to build a better future for my family, so I packed my bags and embarked on a 21-hour flight.
I remember crying as the plane took off. I instantly regretted my decision because I knew my son needed me. But I calmed myself, remembering that to give my son a better life, I had to at least try to succeed here.
I tried calling my son and his father once a week since long-distance calls were very expensive back then. The following year, I was able to sponsor them to join me in the US, and they moved into my small apartment in Atlanta.
The first couple of months were especially hard for my son. He would cry every night at bedtime, looking out the blinds for the familiar faces he used to see every day and begging me to take him back to his "mommy," his grandmother, which broke my heart. He hardly spoke any English and was beginning to understand how different life was here. Seeing him struggle, I felt pangs of guilt.
My husband stayed home, and I found it difficult to fulfill my role as a mother.
We moved from Atlanta to Pennsylvania when my son was 4 for my current job.
In Filipino culture, women are expected to stay home and take care of their husbands and children. But in the early days, my husband wasn't allowed to work on his dependent visa. By the time he got his work visa a couple of years later, our family had grown — our second child was born in 2005, the third in 2007, and the fourth in 2010.
The chances of my husband getting a job that would pay enough to cover the cost of childcare were very low. The demands of my job were high, so it felt like an easy decision that I would continue to work while he stayed home to take care of the kids.
I thought having my husband stay home to take care of the kids would compensate for my absence, but I was wrong. My children needed their mother, and I needed my children.
The emotional strain was very difficult
My husband was diligent in making sure the kids were fed, their diapers were changed, and they were safe, but the emotional strain on all of us was immense.
Our first daughter saw her younger siblings as rivals for the scarce attention she received from me. She'd cry excessively and could only be soothed by me. A couple of years after moving to Pennsylvania, I was able to start working remotely, and she couldn't understand why I was just in the other room yet couldn't come to her every time she needed me. Our fourth child also had extra needs because of his ADHD and speech impediment.
I often found myself torn between my responsibilities as a mother and the demands of my job. I distinctly remember once when I couldn't make it to my son's school activities. I felt guilty that I couldn't go, but felt that if I didn't work, our dream of making it in the US would be over. The balance I tried so hard to achieve seemed impossible.
Although working from home has a lot of perks, I struggled with switching off my frustrations and stress from work. The pressure and heavy responsibilities at work often left me exhausted, with little time for my family.
My kids often saw my irritability and exhaustion. When I was focused on work and they needed my attention, I would redirect them to ask their dad instead. I never scolded them for talking to me, but sometimes they felt I was being dismissive and inattentive to their needs. They learned not to approach me when I was on a phone call or working, or if I was stressed after getting off work.
My kids don't feel comfortable opening up to me
My husband and I tried to make our marriage work for the sake of our kids, but eventually, we decided to end it in 2018.
My children, who are now between the ages of 14 to 26, say they aren't comfortable opening up to me and only feel safe confiding in their dad. That realization was the biggest blow.
The guilt and sadness I feel knowing that I missed out on their emotional needs is overwhelming. My heart breaks every time I think about the moments I could've been there for them, offering comfort and love, but instead, I was focused on my work responsibilities.
My children faced challenges — three have experienced anxiety and needed therapy, and my youngest has ADHD and a stutter.
We started family therapy in 2019 for a few months, and all of us benefited from it. Sitting in sessions with my children has given me a full perspective on how I failed to separate my work and personal life. I realize now that all those years, I was bringing my stress and fear from work into my family life. I passed many of my negative emotions on to them.
It took me many years and an ex-husband to realize that work and family life should be balanced, and I now feel the guilt of being absent and not being a safe, comforting, and nurturing place for them.
I'm working on my relationships with all of my kids
The guilt lingers, but it also fuels my commitment to change.
I'm catching up on building the emotional connection I missed out on all those years. There's still a lot of work to do in connecting with them. Knowing that the person they felt safe with is no longer living with us, I work extra hard to regain their trust.
I can never get back those missed opportunities to bond with my children and protect them from the negative emotions they experienced because of me. All I can do now is move forward and maintain a healthy balance between work and home life. Spending time with my children is as important as ensuring my work is good.
I now have a more manageable work schedule, which allows me to make a strong effort to connect with my kids every day. One of my daughters is in college and living in a dorm, and we have a FaceTime date every Friday at 2 p.m. We talk about everything going on in her school life, and I share what's happening in mine. Staying in touch like this really benefits both of us.
The road ahead is daunting. The bond I failed to nurture while I was consumed by work now needs to be mended. I see the hesitation in their eyes when they want to approach me, since they grew up understanding the boundaries of not interrupting me when I was working.
I want to be their rock, their confidant, the one they turn to when the world feels too heavy. I hug them, tell them I love them every day, and make sure they know I'm here for them.
I know we can't turn back time and the divorce brought major changes to our lives, but it ultimately brought us closer than ever. I now have a strong relationship with my kids. We laugh more, play video games, and pray together. Much of this is thanks to family therapy, a good relationship with my new husband, their stepdad, and our shared faith.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes to show them that I can be their safe place, their home. The most important thing is maintaining a constant connection and finding ways to enjoy each other, today and every day in the future, no matter how old they get.
If you faced difficulties balancing a demanding job and parenting and would like to share your story, email Jane Zhang at [email protected].