This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with an anonymous patient at Castle Craig Hospital, a rehab facility near Blythe Bridge, Scotland. The patient, whose identity is known to Insider, wished to remain anonymous in order to speak freely about his condition without fear of prejudice. With permission from the source, Insider corroborated their story through conversations with their therapist.
I’ve had an addictive personality since I was a teenager. It started with drugs and alcohol. My addictions even led me to jail for possession of narcotics, and after my first stint at the age of 22, I pushed to get into a rehab facility.
By my 30s, I managed to find myself a good career. I was making 90,000 pounds a year ($122,000) as a tunnel miner for the city.
But my demons hadn’t ever fully left me. Eventually, my addiction moved on from substances to trading stocks in 2009. Finally, in 2015 I found cryptocurrencies. I first used bitcoin to buy drugs off the dark web. At the same time, I was trading stocks. I had developed a mental obsession with the patterns and graphs I noticed watching the stock market; eventually these obsessions drove me to trading the cryptocurrency.
I remember when I first laid eyes on the cryptocurrency charts; they were absolutely perfect.
They were very similar to the Nasdaq or the stock graph for a company like Apple.
The graphs showed the growth of bitcoin. It created a beautiful, escalating, compounding curve. I could see the volatility through the huge sharp drops, and that’s where I started my technical analysis. This is where the obsession really seeped in. I began to analyze and predict the next shape of the peaks and the troughs.
Watching the rise of bitcoin was like watching a company being born, like a junior oil firm striking black gold. I analyzed hundreds of charts before bitcoin, but this was the one I fell in love with.
Watching the rise of bitcoin was like watching a company being born, like a junior oil firm striking black gold.
As always, my addictions went hand in hand with substances. I lived alone in a one-bedroom apartment. I would have the mouse in my right hand, and in my left, I would be pulling out rolling papers, a cigarette, and cannabis to make a spliff. It was like a continuous mind and body motion, and it just didn’t stop. Eight hours later, my belly would remind me to eat something. In that time, I would have traded maybe 100 times, losing 1,000 pounds and earning 5,000 pounds. At some point, I didn’t care if I was winning or losing. All I cared about was following the patterns.
Soon I was trading bitcoin any hour my eyes were open. I would use a form of trading called technical analysis and play the patterns and graphs I recognized for days on end without sleep. I was buying bitcoin. I was spending bitcoin.
Very simply, I wanted to become a bitcoin millionaire.
Eventually, I lost everything.
I believed I had the intelligence, the window, and the wizardry to trade my way to millions. I wanted to crack all the codes and beat 99% of the world by becoming that 1%.
Trading became like riding a roller coaster. I would have ups and downs. Except, each time the roller coaster went down, it went lower and lower.
By 2014, I was running into debts. I don’t have a big family, but I didn’t want them to worry. When they asked about my health, I would tell them, “Don’t worry about me, we will all be millionaires.” That year, I lost my career after being diagnosed with autism and an escalating addiction problem. I went bankrupt in 2019.
In five years, I lost pretty much all I’d worked hard to gain.
I lost my integrity, my confidence, and my finances. I was descending into multiple bottoms, powerless over all my addictions. Eventually, I found myself contemplating suicide.
Winter 2020 was my biggest rock bottom.
The next summer, I admitted myself into Castle Craig Hospital, the only rehab facility that treats cryptocurrency addiction.
Sometimes I wonder if I’d used all the management tools and books I’d read and managed my trading accounts better, would things be different?
Had I not been an addict, I probably would have been a millionaire. But I probably wouldn’t even be alive because I would have just multiplied my substance misuse with the extra money I was making.
I simply don’t think it was in God’s plan for me to become a millionaire.
It just wasn’t meant to be. I was earning so much money as a tunnel miner anyway as an expert who had massive confidence and support.
If I had just worked hard until I was 60 years old and invested my money wisely in stocks and had a financial advisor and stock broker to invest for me, I would have a million pounds in the bank by the time I retired anyway.
My addiction and severe self-loathing led me towards a subconscious self-sabotage.
My addiction and severe self-loathing led me towards a subconscious self-sabotage.
If you’re like me, and you’re getting high off the high-stakes risk while being riddled with fear and regret and insecurity about the next trade — I would say stop. Recognize your self-worth before chasing millions. Get help. Attend some meetings. And shut down the game.
If you or someone you know is struggling with gambling addiction, get help. The National Council on Problem Gambling’s Helpline (1-800-522-4700) provides resources and referrals for all 50 states, Canada and the US Virgin Islands. Help is available 24/7 and is 100% confidential.
The National Gambling Helpline (0808-8020-133) provides support for those affected by gambling problems in England, Wales, and Scotland.