- Offering kids “choices within limits” is linked with better well-being.
- The study found the benefits of “autonomy-supportive parenting” can be immediate.
- To use the parenting style, focus on teaching, empathy, and making kids feel loved.
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Letting kids choose which cereal to eat, where to do homework, or how to best dress for the weather can lead to positive well-being for both them and their parents, a study published Tuesday in the journal Child Development suggests.
The study included 562 parents of six- to nine-year-olds in Germany, who filled out a questionnaire every day for three weeks in spring 2020 when coronavirus-related restrictions and closures were in place.
The researchers found that giving kids so-called “choice within limits” – as opposed to making demands or letting them do whatever they want – contributed to parents feeling like their needs were being met, which at the same time prompted them to continue parenting that way.
Burnt-out parents can adopt the approach during the coronavirus pandemic, the authors contend, and reap the benefits immediately. Over time, kids become more independent, confident, empathetic, resilient, and intrinsically motivated, research suggests.
"Giving them choices [means] kids are coping better, it means that they're more behaviorally regulated, they're less emotional," Roseann Capanna-Hodge, a school psychologist in Connecticut who was not involved in the research, told Insider. "And so then that's just going to reduce the stress at home, and parents are going to be happier."
To practice autonomy-supportive parenting, focus on teaching and showing unconditional love
"Choice within limits" is one aspect of autonomy-supportive parenting, a style in which parents involve their kids in the decision-making process, while providing safe and age-appropriate boundaries.
The alternatives are more controlling styles ("eat your Wheaties because I said so") or, on the other end of the spectrum, more permissive styles, like letting kids leave the house in shorts during a snowstorm.
Practicing autonomy-supportive parenting requires more time and patience up front, but it's worth it for the whole family in the short and long-term, Capanna-Hodge said.
"You can talk to your child in a discipline-oriented corrective method, and you're going to repeat yourself and you're going to be frustrated and they're going to be frustrated," she said. "Or, you can shift your language and you can really focus on teaching."
For example, instead of telling them they can't wear shorts in the snow, have a conversation about the pros and cons of the choice, why it may not be safe, and what an alternative could be. Instead of demanding your kid to pick up their toys, explain why leaving them all over the floor could hurt someone.
"You're making an investment through loving communication in that time to get them to start thinking on their own," Capanna-Hodge said.
Demonstrate empathy and provide unconditional love
Autonomy-supportive parenting also promotes kids' emotional development and resilience by demonstrating empathy while resisting the urge to coddle them when they're down.
For example, if a child's feeling are hurt by a peer, don't just give them a hug and say, "That person wasn't nice to you." Instead, Capanna-Hodge suggests saying, "Wow, that must've been really hard. How did did you handle that?"
Another key aspect of autonomy-supportive parenting is making kids feel unconditionally loved by talking to them calmly and without judgment, even when they mess up, psychologist Tali Shenfield writes in a Fine Parent. That way, kids develop confidence in their choices rather than fearing they'll lose parental acceptance by making the wrong one.
For example, you could brainstorm with your kids about what will help them get to school on time rather than calling them irresponsible or a bad student.
"It's those kinds of tweaks," Capanna-Hodge said. "So it's not as hard as parents think, and they absolutely can do this."