- Telling a partner you struggle with their personal preferences could bring up feelings of defensiveness and inadequacy for them.
- Focus on how your preference differences make you feel and highlight positive moments you'd like to have more of.
- You can't force your partner to change, but a teamwork mentality and reasonable expectations could help.
Dear Julia,
I'm very concerned about my boyfriend's personal hygiene habits.
In some ways, he's a germaphobe. He showers twice a day, every day. He feels the need to shower or clean himself after passing gas. When he poops, he uses half a roll of toilet paper to clean himself.
Despite this, his skincare routine and physical hygiene seems to be lacking. Recently, we showered together for the first time and I noticed that he lathers up, but doesn't touch his own genitals. I've had to clean his ears for him. When I noticed that some of his pimples seemed infected, I said he should see a doctor, but he changed the subject.
Truthfully, I'm very turned off and concerned, so much so that I don't want to have sex with him so long as he keeps his current habits.
I understand that it could take time and hard work for my boyfriend to change his habits. But I don't believe in walking away because something is difficult. I've felt so much support from him, so I want to help him, too.
More than anything, I want him to be healthy, and I want to be comfortable around him. We both have so much to gain from this relationship, and our futures could be amazing.
How do I encourage my partner to change his hygiene habits?
-Wisconsin
Dear Wisconsin,
Navigating individual preferences in a relationship can be so hard, especially when those differences could be impacting your physical connection.
It's clear that you care deeply about your boyfriend and making your relationship work in a mutually satisfying way. Your concerns are valid, and I hear your desire to communicate them to your boyfriend in a way that feels helpful, not distressing.
It's not an easy feat, or one you can have total control over. But there are steps you can take to make these hygiene-focused conversations feel respectful and fruitful, Brittany Pinto, a sex-informed therapist who often counsels clients about their self-esteem, told me.
She said that having difficult conversations about personal habits and preferences can lead to defensiveness, since we often view these things as part of who we are and our identities. Even though these types of conversation can feel tense, it's important to have them so both partners feel heard. Otherwise, resentment can build, Pinto said.
According to Pinto, finding creative ways to bring up personal hygiene concerns as they happen, using "I" statements, and being honest with yourself about your needs could help you reach a resolution with your boyfriend.
Focus on how your boyfriend's hygiene affects you, and be specific in small doses
When a partner admits that they don't like the way we do (or don't do) something, it can feel as if they're saying they don't like us, Pinto explained.
That's why it's important to be specific about the changes you desire, and talk about them in a way that centers your preferences.
"With hygiene, if you make general statements about their body as a whole, that could come off as really offensive. But providing specific examples of issues that stand out to you can help you avoid seeming critical or shaming," Pinto told me.
If, for example, you're in the shower together again, it could be an opportune time to mention that you love when his body feels clean. Pinto suggested leaning into playfulness, offering to help your boyfriend suds up. Tell him that you love when he smells and looks this way too.
"Your partner may or may not take the hint, but it's worth a try," Pinto said.
During less playful moments, Pinto suggested framing your requests like this: "I've noticed that sometimes you smell a bit funky to me. I'm concerned it's getting in the way of our physical connection, and I want that to change."
Avoid making ultimatums and try to think like a team
When speaking with your boyfriend, you should avoid making your requests seem like ultimatums, Pinto said. If someone frames sex as something they're withholding until they get something specific, it can lead their partner to feel anxious or resentful, she added.
Being honest about your concerns in a kind way — instead of jumping into solution-mode without addressing how you feel — could help your boyfriend better understand how his preferences could be affecting your connection, Pinto said.
Then, you can come up with solutions together. According to Pinto, this approach can allow partners to feel like a team. She said that a therapist can be a great resource for co-creating solutions.
Consider what you need in your relationship – even if you're not getting it
It's impossible to say for sure why your boyfriend is stuck in his ways, or if he wants to change. Only he can determine that, Pinto said.
To create a mutually satisfying relationship, Pinto said that both partners must be invested in compromising while also having realistic expectations. Your partner will likely need time and patience to make lasting changes to his habits, and it's up to you to assess and reassess whether his timeline is compatible with yours.
Supporting a partner, and committing to working through differences together, can be extremely rewarding and fruitful, like you said when you wrote in. But it's also important that you keep considering your own relationship desires so as to not lose yourself.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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