- Kelsey Combe is a 37-year-old wedding photographer in Naperville, Illinois.
- After five years as a stay-at-home mom, she has put her 5- and 3-year-old in day care full time.
- She said being a stay-at-home mom was lonely and suffocating at times.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Kelsey Combe. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I never thought I would be a stay-at-home parent. When my partner and I lived in New York, I was running a successful wedding photography business. After going through IVF, I got pregnant and gave birth to our first child in October 2019. My plan was to put him in day care after I took maternity leave.
But then the pandemic happened. Weddings were called off, and day care centers were closed. Since I didn't have any work, I became a stay-at-home parent.
We left New York and moved to California and then Illinois for my husband's tech job and to be closer to family. With the multiple moves, I wasn't able to rebuild my business. During these years, I also got pregnant and gave birth to my second child.
Five years after the birth of my oldest, I have just sent my two kids to their first day of full-time day care. I finally feel human again.
I didn't get any breaks while I was at home with my kids
As much as I loved being my kids' "person" — the one who didn't miss anything — those five years often felt suffocating.
As a stay-at-home parent, there is no break, no alone time. Being the one they fully depended on at all times was really difficult. I felt "touched out" because they naturally wanted to be around and on me constantly.
I've only showered once a week in the last five years — and when I did shower, I was always afraid of what might happen while quickly cleaning myself.
When I was trying to do laundry, clean up a spill, buy groceries, sort naps, or cook food — I was simultaneously trying to manage whatever was happening with the kids.
Maybe I cut a banana peel wrong, and there was a meltdown. Maybe they were fighting, and I had to break it up. Maybe they were sick, and I had to get them to a doctor.
There was all this maintenance to do in the house and for the kids that was constantly interrupted by what was happening in real time with the two of them.
My brain never shut off. It felt like it was in 500 places at one time. Food prep, groceries, snacks, diapers, sizes of clothing and diapers, transitions from naps and cribs, nighttime sleep, night lights, wake-up lights, nutrition, screen time limits, reading, development, activities, laundry, cleaning, washing dishes, sanitizing, vaccines, illnesses, medications, and laundry again.
There was never a moment to reset.
The emotional labor was suffocating
It was also really lonely. Even on play dates, I was always running after the kids, unable to get deep with the other adults.
I remember when I would tell people I was struggling. They might say how this time would quickly pass, that I would regret wishing it away, that these are the best years and to soak them up. I wish they hadn't glossed over the hard parts of parenting but heard and empathized with my feelings.
We need the world to stop telling women they should be grateful and stop demonizing them when they speak out about how hard and isolating stay-at-home parenting is.
Although I had started to build back my photography business in 2023, my children were both still home with me. My parents had raised me to do it all. If I was capable of taking care of my kids and working, why would I pay for help?
During the day, I might have put on TV for them for a couple of hours to get work done. Once my husband got home, I'd leave the house to meet a client or do a photo shoot. I'd often work in the evenings.
I was exhausted. In June, my sister told me it was time to put my kids into day care — that I was working now and needed the space and time to build my business.
I sent them to day care
I knew she was right. If I hadn't put them into day care, I might have crashed and burned.
Now that they've been in day care for a few weeks, I feel human again. I'm able to get things done around the house without constant interruption.
When they get home, I love spending time with them because I haven't been needed by them 24/7.
During those five years of being home with them, I felt like the industry I work in moved forward, so I'm now having to catch up.
It would have been so helpful if childcare had been cheaper. I would have been keener to continue working if it hadn't been so expensive to put my kids in day care.