- Callen Ghahramani says he has had persistent visual distortions since trying what he thought was acid as a teenager.
- His symptoms — severe anxiety and depersonalization — reflect the common features of rare but debilitating hallucinogen persisting perception disorder (HPPD). He has not received an official diagnosis.
- This is his story, as told to Andrea Michelson.
I was a lost soul after my dad died when I was 14. I stayed in my room for two years straight playing video games, and only came out to get the pizzas I ordered. Even before I developed hallucinogen persisting perception disorder (HPPD), I had lost all hope for a normal life.
I started out in search of something more. What should I do with myself? What is my purpose? Before the age of 18, I had tried to find answers in over-the-counter cough medicine, shrooms, and LSD.
At the time, I was under the impression the worst thing that could happen to you from drug use is death. I was wrong. I'm 27 now, and I'm permanently scarred by my experience with what I believed was acid nine years ago.
I still see the world about 20-25% smaller than it should be — this includes everything from cars to my own hands. Everytime I blink, lights bend like I'm squinting at them. My only solace comes when I sleep or use my computer, but this means I tend to isolate myself away from my family.
My goal now is to spread awareness so people consider the risk of HPPD before trying hallucinogens. Even if some people can benefit from these substances, I think if they knew it could mess them up until the day they die, a certain portion wouldn't do it.
I experimented with hallucinogens in my teenage years
The first drug I tried was DXM (dextromethorphan), an over-the-counter cough suppressant that can deliver a high if you drink a dangerously large dose.
I was hesitant at first because I swore I would never get into drugs, but I was willing to try anything at that point. I got a bottle of Delsym and drank the whole thing — roughly 888 mg of DXM — and I felt happy and hopeful for the first time in a long time.
I continued to trip on DXM almost every weekend to maintain the "positive outlook" in my head. I also tried "magic" mushrooms a few times without any issues.
But at around 17 or 18, I got some acid from a friend of a friend. It was some sort of pink substance smudged on the back of an Altoid, and I just popped the whole mint in my mouth.
Looking back, I'm pretty certain that what I tried was not LSD. Synthetic psychedelic compounds called NBOMes were getting manufactured around that time, and what I tried looked different from typical acid tabs. But at the time, I was naive and didn't think to test it.
My whole mouth went numb, but that was nothing compared to my second trip
After I got past the metallic taste and numb feeling in my mouth, I felt a sense of inner peace and connection set in. It was everything I was looking for.
The next day, my friend was preparing to move across the country and wanted to hang out. I told him what I had, and after a quick search for "what happens if you take acid 2 days in a row," I thought I was in for a less intense trip.
I took two doses this time, and my friend took one. Everything seemed to be going OK, and then something hit me.
I could feel the synapses in my brain breaking like tree branches. The pain was indescribable. Looking into the mirror, I pleaded to whatever God exists to let me live, and I'll take whatever consequence comes along with it. Well, I got what I asked for.
My world has shrunk since then
Along with my visual distortions, my social world has felt smaller since I got HPPD.
At the onset, I dealt with severe depersonalization and derealization. Depersonalization felt like forgetting who I was. My personality seemed to disappear, so I had to relearn how to be myself and how to navigate social situations.
The derealization is just an overall sense of life feeling fake, along with everything looking smaller than it should. I didn't fully recognize my loved ones — I knew who they were, but our shared pasts were almost nonexistent in my mind.
I've learned to cope with my symptoms, even though the doctors I've seen haven't been much help. These days, I take a low-dose sedative for my anxiety along with kratom, a plant-derived substance with similar effects to opioids. While they can't erase my symptoms, the meds help me care less.
The only true break I get is when I sleep — sometimes, I don't even want to get out of bed because my dreams can feel more real than life itself. But I have a six-year-old daughter and a girlfriend and supportive parents at home, so I can't keep isolating myself.
Editor's note: Hallucinogen persisting perception disorder (HPPD) is a rare neuro-psychological condition that is underresearched and often misdiagnosed, according to the Neurosensory Research Foundation. Ghahramani told Insider that he gave up on getting an official HPPD diagnosis after seeing several doctors who diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. There is currently no cure for HPPD, and doctors recommend seeking medical advice before self-medicating; kratom, which Ghahramani uses, carries serious health risks.