- An eggshell parent is an unpredictable parent you had to walk on eggshells around.
- The therapist who coined the term said it can impact your relationships as an adult.
- Children of eggshell parents can become people-pleasers, perpetually worried about upsetting people.
Parent-child relationships come with ups and downs. But if you were generally tense, anxious, or fearful around your parent or caretaker, there's a chance you were raised by an eggshell parent.
Dr. Kim Sage, a clinical psychologist in California, coined the term after the feeling of walking on eggshells. Not everyone can recognize that their family is dysfunctional (or feel ready to face it), but most people know what it means to feel on edge around someone. Naming it can help.
"When you walk on eggshells, you really never know what to expect," Sage told Business Insider. An eggshell parent is "often highly unpredictable, and unsafe in some way," she added. They might easily become reactive and volatile, or show signs of emotional immaturity in how they handle conflicts.
Sage shared a few signs you grew up with at least one eggshell parent, and what the long-term impacts of such a relationship can be.
You often felt confused and unsafe
Most eggshell parents aren't screaming monsters all of the time, Sage said. "A lot of these people are really lovely at times," she said. "They can have all kinds of warm, fuzzy behaviors, but then flip the switch." As a result, you might not know how to feel around them — one minute, you're laughing at their jokes; the next, you're nervous because they're slamming doors in a rage.
They also don't necessarily have to yell, she said, which can make it more difficult to know something's off. They can make you feel unsafe to be around them by constantly criticizing you, berating the other parent or your sibling, or giving you the silent treatment if you do something they disapprove of.
You're an expert at reading moods
Because of your parent's unpredictability, you can develop hypersensitivity and hypervigilance. "If a parent is yelling, kids tend to think that it has something to do with them even when it doesn't," she said.
She gave an example of feeling uneasy before your parent comes home, knowing that if something is out of place in the kitchen or garage, it'll create a big problem. Even if they express their frustration with a sigh or critical comment instead of a meltdown, it can still teach you to scan your environment for emotional triggers.
You can't stop people-pleasing
Eggshell parents often create a sense of enmeshment, Sage said. You struggle to separate your anxiety from your parent's, because you've been taught to monitor their emotions very closely.
In the long-term, it'll probably translate into people-pleasing in other relationships, Sage said.
"You learn to overfocus on fear," she said, particularly the fear of upsetting people. As a result, "you're not really being your authentic self" because you're too fixated on monitoring other people's moods and keeping everyone happy.
You self-isolate even when you crave connection
Constantly analyzing people's facial expressions and tones of voice can quickly lead to burnout, Sage said. It's the reason many children of eggshell parents self-isolate.
"When you find people are the trigger, you just only feel safe alone," she said.
You might have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, where you simultaneously crave connection but are terrified of it. In relationships, it can look like wanting support from your partner or a friend, but pushing them away instead, she said.
You might pick partners you feel tense around
Even if your partner never screams at you like your parents did, they still might make you feel on edge — especially if they can't communicate well.
Sage found herself exactly in that position. "I grew up with parents who yelled and screamed a lot," she said. "Then I chose a partner who didn't do that, but was still kind of moody." She still ended up monitoring her relationship for subtle signs of irritation or annoyance.
You never got an apology
Sage said that all parents lose their cool or mess up from time to time. The difference is that eggshell parents usually "lack the ability to make repairs."
She added that eggshell parents often lack self-awareness of how their intense mood swings impact other people, especially their kids. Therefore, kids don't receive apologies after their parent loses control of their emotions.
Without that acknowledgment, children of eggshell parents might continue to believe that they "caused" their parents' outbursts, and that they're responsible for managing other people's emotions.
You have to learn to feel your feelings
To heal, Sage said you'll have to learn how to create a sense of safety for yourself. Often, the starting point is realizing you're scared or anxious in the first place.
She recommends therapy such as dialectical behavioral therapy, which focuses on identifying and sitting with difficult feelings as they come up.
A common feeling that comes up is anger, Sage said. "If anger wasn't safe in your childhood, then it's like, 'I'm not going there,'" she said. The first sign of growth might be when you feel "entitled to your own anger — being okay with it and not feeling bad," she said.
