- Empathy helps you understand other people's emotions and why they feel the way they do.
- You can teach this skill by discussing and validating feelings and showing concern for others.
- A professional can help if school-age kids don't seem to recognize or care about others' feelings.
As your child's first role model, you play a vital role in helping them develop critical social-emotional skills, including empathy.
Empathy, in a nutshell, is the ability to understand the perspectives of others, relate to their experiences, and show concern for their feelings.
There are two main types of empathy:
- Emotional empathy is the ability to feel someone else's emotions, experience distress in response to their struggles, and respond with compassion — like feeling angry on your partner's behalf when they're mistreated.
- Cognitive empathy is the ability to recognize the emotions of others and understand why they feel a certain way — like noticing a frown on your friend's face and realizing they're likely mad or sad.
Humans are born with a natural capacity for empathy, meaning you're biologically programmed to form social relationships and care about others. But this skill doesn't come fully developed — which is why young children ages 3-5 often show little concern for others.
Practicing empathy isn't just fundamental to building relationships with others. It also plays a role in overall well-being and mental health — and your guidance can help your child cultivate this important skill.
Here are six tips for teaching empathy to kids, plus guidance from experts on what to do if your child has a hard time understanding how others feel.
1. Discuss your own feelings and the feelings of others
Naming emotions helps children learn to recognize different feelings in themselves and develop the self-awareness necessary to practice empathy with others, says Dr. Lynne Merk, a psychologist at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center.
As a parent, you can encourage this development by naming your own emotions and describing how you feel in different situations. For example, if you're stuck in traffic with your child in the car, you could say "I'm feeling frustrated by all these cars. I want to get home."
Children look to the adults in their lives to learn how to behave, says Dr. Moe Gelbart, director of behavioral health at Torrance Memorial Medical Center — and you can help your child develop empathy by pointing out the emotions of others.
For example, you and your child could make a meal together for a neighbor and talk about how that might make your neighbor feel. Or if you're out together and notice an upset child, you might name the emotion by saying something like, "Susie was crying at the park. Maybe she was sad to leave."
2. Validate your child's feelings
Modeling empathy is one of the most powerful ways a parent can cultivate this skill in their kids, Merk says. You can model empathy by naming and honoring your child's emotions without judgment.
For example:
|
Child's emotion |
Your validation |
|
Your child starts to cry after dropping their ice cream cone. |
"I can tell you're sad now. You really wanted to eat that." |
|
Your child smiles widely after getting a new toy. |
"Your smile tells me you're feeling happy and excited to play with this." |
|
Your child stomps their feet because another child gets in front of them in a line. |
"It looks like you're mad because someone jumped in front of you. That must feel really unfair." |
Validating your child's emotions can help them feel safe expressing their feelings with you, says Dr. Sandra Pisano, a clinical health psychologist and director of behavioral health at AltaMed Health Services.
Giving your child the space and security to feel comfortable with their own emotions is an important step in being able to relate to the emotions of others.
3. Use stories to spark discussion
When you read stories or watch a movie together, pause to ask your child what they think a character is feeling — especially after that character faces a setback or major dilemma. You can discuss different facial expressions and what they might mean, or how a particular obstacle might make that character feel.
Taking time to reflect on the way a character's emotions change in response to different events can also help your child translate these skills to real people in their lives. For example, if a character in a book starts to cry because they did poorly on a test in school, talking about how this character feels could help your child identify with a classmate in real life going through something similar.
4. Get involved in charitable causes
Children notice how their parents relate to other people, and you can show them the importance of caring for others through your own actions, says Dr. Tammi Young-Saleme, a pediatric psychologist at Nationwide Children's Hospital. Giving to people in need is one way to show you value the feelings of others.
A few ideas for charitable acts you can do with your kids:
- Grocery shop together for nonperishable food items and donate them to a local food pantry.
- Regularly go through toys together and donate toys they no longer play with.
- Set aside clothes they outgrow and talk with them about different organizations you could donate gently used clothing to.
When engaging in charitable acts as a family, Gelbart suggests being as specific as possible about who you are helping and how they might feel when receiving donations.
For instance, you could say something like "We are supporting this food pantry so other families who don't have enough to eat can come here and get what they need."
"Make acts of kindness a family value, and live this out through your actions," Gelbart says.
5. Praise your child when you notice them acting empathetically
Research shows acknowledging and praising your child's positive actions can help reinforce the behavior and increases the likelihood they will act similarly in the future.
So, aim to make a habit of complimenting your child when you notice them showing empathy and let them know their actions made you proud.
For instance, you could say something like "I like that you noticed Susie was sad and played with her to help her feel better."
6. Stay patient
Empathy takes time to develop and improves with practice, says Dr. Courtney Cinko, a child and adolescent psychiatry specialist at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center.
Young children haven't yet developed the understanding that other people's experiences are different from their own, Cinko says. So, it's natural for toddlers and preschoolers to show little concern for the feelings of others. For example, young children often have trouble sharing and may try to take a toy they want from another child who is playing with it.
Over time, children can learn to be more empathetic as their brains develop and they see adults in their lives modeling concern for others, Cinko says. Just keep in mind that empathy is a complex skill that will continue to develop throughout your child's life.
Tips to foster empathy in older children and teens
Tweens between the ages of nine and 12 and teenagers will likely benefit from more detailed explanation, robust conversation, and hands-on learning to become more empathetic, Gelbart says.
These tips can help you gently encourage empathy in older kids and teens:
- Discuss current events with them: Ask your kids to take different sides when debating political and social issues with you. This can help them consider perspectives they maybe haven't before.
- Participate in community service activities: This has the most impact when your children actually engage with people in need instead of just dropping off donated items, Merk says. Ideas include volunteering at food pantries or homeless shelters.
- Use their interests to encourage taking action: For example, if they like animals, you might suggest they volunteer at an animal shelter. Or, if they are passionate about the environment, help them identify ways they can get involved with climate change advocacy.
- Limit their social media use: Social media can promote unrealistic perceptions about others, Pisano says, and take away from face-to-face interactions that help build empathy. Encourage your child to balance social media with other activities that promote community involvement and in-person relationships — like volunteering with a community organization or joining an after-school club where they can form relationships with classmates who share similar interests.
When to get professional support
If your child continues to struggle with empathy as they get into elementary school and beyond, it may be worth discussing your concerns with your child's doctor or school guidance counselor.
According to Cinko, some signs your child might lack empathy include:
- A consistent lack of understanding or care for the needs and feelings of others
- Difficulties sharing or playing with peers
- Bullying others
- Aggressive behavior
"Older children and teenagers who have poor empathic skills often try to get their way, no matter the cost, because they lack the ability to understand the importance of the feelings and thoughts of others," Cinko says.
Neurodivergent people, including autistic people and people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) may struggle with cognitive empathy and benefit from working with a professional to help develop these skills, according to Cinko.
Working with a mental health professional or an occupational therapist can help your child develop emotional regulation skills, cultivate empathy, and ultimately improve their relationships with others.
Insider's takeaway
The ability to show empathy is a key component in building healthy relationships with others.
You can help teach this social-emotional skill by validating your child's emotions, modeling concern for other people's feelings, and participating in community service activities together.
If your child seems to have a hard time with empathy, keep in mind that this skill can improve with practice. A good next step may involve discussing your concerns with their primary care physician, who can refer you to a mental health professional or occupational therapist.