- About 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, but the topic is still shrouded in stigma.
- Exactly when and where a pregnancy passes is often out of a woman's control.
- Five women share their experiences with pregnancy loss outside of the home or health institution.
When Zakiya Barnett learned she was likely to miscarry at 10 weeks pregnant, she opted to let the pregnancy pass naturally, rather than undergo a procedure to remove the tissue.
"Allowing it to happen naturally was taking control back," she said in MSNBC's December documentary "Stories We Tell: The Fertility Secret."
But her choice also meant giving up control over exactly when and where it would happen — which turned out to be the same day she traveled from Philadelphia to New York to attend her friend's baby shower.
"I felt cramping, I started spotting, and I was like, 'Aw, man,' this is going to happen,'" the 41-year-old attorney said in the film. "So at 2, 3 in the morning at my friend's apartment, I went to the bathroom and I miscarried."
Barnett didn't talk about whether her friends knew or how being in an environment celebrating a future baby affected her. But she did say the loss, her second, was "a lot more sad" than the first.
Insider talked to four other women who've experienced miscarriages in public settings. Many felt compelled to hide their pain at the time, and asked Insider to use their first names only to protect their privacy. Their stories illustrate how the stigma of miscarriage can perpetuate silent suffering, how invisible fertility challenges can be to outsiders, and how much compassion strangers deserve.
Jenna began miscarrying while waiting in a 2-hour voting line
Jenna was standing in line to vote in the 2020 election when the intense cramping began. She was eight weeks pregnant.
The swing-state resident didn't dare leave the line, which was wrapped around the block. Some of her fellow voters were wearing pro-life paraphernalia.
"I couldn't believe how painful it was physically," Jenna, a mom of two, told Insider. "It was like being in labor." For an hour and a half, her only relief came from her husband's back rubs.
"I couldn't think straight, let alone function," she said. "I couldn't say anything at the polls or ask to move ahead in the line because people don't talk about miscarriage and don't realize it's a painful emergent situation."
After voting, Jenna got an emergency ultrasound which confirmed the loss. She underwent a D & C, a procedure to remove pregnancy tissue, the next day.
Stacy grinned and bore it during a celebration for long-term care residents
Eight years ago, Stacy was working in a long-term care facility where the staff put on an annual "wedding." The event was a favorite among residents who, for the most part, weren't healthy enough to attend real weddings.
Stacy played a bridesmaid, and wore a heavy pad.
"I was smiling and walking down the aisle, standing near the fake bride and groom, literally having a miscarriage," she told Insider. "It was awful. I didn't want to back out of it because what reason did I really have that I wanted to share? Plus the residents just loved it so much."
After the celebration, Stacy took over-the-counter pain medication and kept working. "Luckily, I had the chance to sit at my desk and be left alone after that." She never told her coworkers.
Heather miscarried in a museum bathroom
For about a week, Heather and her husband mostly stayed home, knowing that her first pregnancy wasn't viable and would soon pass. But they had tickets to a museum, and decided to venture out to use them.
"After walking around all day, I started to cramp and miscarry in the bathroom," Heather told Insider. "In the moment, I was super stunned, but not very emotional. I had been waiting for it, but did not expect it to happen like the first time we left the house."
The couple went home, and then to the ER, before letting themselves grieve. "We took a beat after and took a trip and just let ourselves come down — or up? — from that experience before we tried again." Heather is now a mom of two.
Arielle finished miscarrying while eating a hotdog in Costco
Arielle Spiegel was about seven weeks pregnant when the bleeding began. The mom of one and founder of CoFertility, a site that aims to "un-complicate" the fertility journey, went to her fertility clinic to confirm she was miscarrying.
After that, there was nothing left to do — except eat. Spiegel and her husband went for hot dogs at the Costco across the street.
"I remember thinking, 'Everyone here thinks I'm just here to grab a bite and some bulk goods,' when really, I'm basically wearing a diaper from all the bleeding I'm experiencing," she said. "Doing something totally normal while still bleeding — it's just crappy."
But, she added, "with recurrent pregnancy loss, it's almost normalized." Spiegel, 33, has experienced five pregnancy losses and multiple rounds of in vitro fertilization.
"You never know what somebody is going through in general, but fertility can be a sensitive topic," she said. "So I just recommend people be sensitive to that."