Prices are accurate at the time of publication.
- Verbal abuse is defined as using words to cause someone psychological distress.
- It can take the form of name-calling, threatening to leave, and constant put-downs.
- Gaslighting, manipulating you, and degrading your self-worth are also signs of verbal abuse.
Abuse isn't just physical. Verbal abuse, using words to hurt someone psychologically, is an equally valid form of abuse that can cause great emotional distress.
In fact, a 2013 study determined emotional abuse in relationships can be just as harmful as physical abuse since both contribute to low self-esteem and depression.
"Verbal abuse often takes the form of put-downs, insults, yelling, scolding, shaming, or otherwise verbally lashing out at another person," says Kyle Zrenchik, licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of All In Therapy Clinic.
Sadly, verbal abuse in romantic relationships is very common, with 47.1% of women and 47.3% of men reporting that they've experienced emotional abuse and aggression from an intimate partner.
Here are 11 examples of verbal abuse to help you recognize the signs.
1. Degrading your self worth
It's common for verbal abusers to try to make you feel bad about yourself. Zrenchik says they may use statements such as:
- "You're worthless."
- "You're an embarrassment."
- "You are not important to me or anyone."
- "You are disgusting."
- "You're crazy."
They may say things like this to lower your self-worth, in hopes of keeping you trapped in an abusive relationship. "When you have low self-esteem, you are easier to control and will tolerate intolerable behavior," Zrenchik says.
2. Making you believe you're not liked by others
Zrenchik says verbal abuse is all about using power to control someone. If an abuser can keep you isolated from others, they'll have even more control and influence over you.
They may criticize your words or behaviors, saying something like, "This is why no one likes you." This has the potential to put a greater distance between you and your loved ones, since your abuser's attempts may cause you to believe that you're unliked or unloved by others, says Zrenchik.
3. Manipulating you
An abuser may use manipulative statements to coerce or guilt you into doing something that you do otherwise, says Christie Kederian, licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice.
For example, they might say, "If you really loved me, you would stay home with me tonight instead of going out with your friends," or "If you really loved me, you would keep the details of our relationship private."
4. Any kind of name-calling
Zrenchik says name-calling is designed to harass or make fun of someone, so you can be sure when your partner is calling you these things, they're trying to put you down and hurt your self-esteem.
If your partner calls you names like "dumb," "fat," "stupid," or any other type of insult, they are engaging in a primary form of verbal abuse, says Kederian. This is degrading to you and makes your partner feel more in control.
5. Threatening to leave
Verbal abusers may threaten to leave the relationship if things don't go exactly the way they want.
For instance, a threat such as "If you don't do this, I'll leave you," can cause a victim to cater to the abuser's wishes. Threats and if/then statements are meant to scare the victim into staying with the abuser and under their control, Kederian says.
6. Condescending comments and put-downs
An abuser might make snide, condescending remarks to put you down and try to make you feel bad about yourself so that you question your abilities and self-worth.
For example, Kederian says they might tell you, "No wonder you can never get a promotion, you're always behind on your work and you can never get anything done." Again, this goes back to lowering your self-esteem so you're easier to control.
7. Gaslighting
A major tactic of verbal abusers is gaslighting, where an abuser says things that make you question reality and second guess yourself.
Elizabeth Jarquin, a licenced marriage and family therapist in private practice and adjunct professor at Northcentral University, says a few types of gaslighting are:
- When the abuser tries to convince you that your feelings or thoughts are wrong.
- When the abuser straight up tells you that your emotions or feelings are wrong.
- When the abuser undermines you, saying something like, "Are you sure? What you're saying doesn't sound true."
8. Ignoring you
An abuser may use their words (or no words at all) by either not acknowledging your existence, says Jarquin. This is an attempt by the abuser to keep the power in their hands and cause you to feel belittled.
A 2018 study found that this is a common method of emotional abuse. The majority of study participants (61%) said their romantic partner refused to talk to them in an attempt to punish or hurt them.
9. Not letting you speak
A verbal abuser may not allow you to speak. "Essentially, they are not allowing the other person to communicate with them. By doing this, they are exerting control over the individual's voice," says Jarquin.
When you don't even have a chance to say your piece or stand up for yourself, there is a clear power imbalance in the relationship.
10. Blaming you
Verbal abusers may blame you for their own toxic behavior. For example, Jarquin says an abuser might yell, "It's your fault I screamed at you. You pissed me off." This is because abusers often refuse to take ownership for their own actions.
11. Pushing you to hurt yourself
"There is no more dangerous and damaging act a verbal abuser can take than trying to push you to the point of self-harm or suicide. If your partner is telling you to harm yourself, this is a clear sign of danger," Zrenchik says.
For example, they might explicitly say something like, "Why don't you just go kill yourself?"
This language is explicitly used to attempt to hurt you and put you at risk — especially if you have a history of mental illness or suicide attempts.
Insider's takeaway
Any type of verbal abuse in a relationship is a major red flag. Whether you're being called names, manipulated, or threatened, this type of abuse can be dangerous to your wellbeing.
You do not need to stay in an abusive relationship, although at times you may feel trapped. Don't give in to an abuser's attempts to control, manipulate, and undermine you. Open up to a loved one or mental health professional about your situation so you can get the support you need.
You can also call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 800-799-7233.